


I've Never Had A Friend

by balthazar_in_221B



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M, Rape, Self Harm, Suicide, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-05
Updated: 2013-10-05
Packaged: 2017-12-28 10:59:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/991247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/balthazar_in_221B/pseuds/balthazar_in_221B
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel Novak is bullied in school. When the new kid, Dean Winchester, joins the school, Cas thinks he will finally make a new friend and even be slightly happier - this, however is not the case.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer : I do not own Supernatural or any of the characters involved. 
> 
> This fanfiction is dedicated to my good friend Marie. This originally started out as a nice thing to do for each other but it kinda spiralled into 'who can write the saddest fanfiction and make the other one die inside' so I tried my best. Also, I really like the highschool!au. 
> 
> There is descriptions of rape and suicide. Also, mentions of self harm. I recommend you do do not read this if those topics trigger you.

"Bobby, do I really have to go to this crappy school? I'll probably be there for a month before Dad drags us away again." Dean yelled down the stairs. It was his first day at his new school, and he wasn't looking forward to the prospect. He wasn't scared - hell, he had started new schools hundreds of times. No, he just didn't see the point of it.  
"Stop complaining, boy! Your dad and I have made an agreement that you two are going to stay here until you finish school. I told him it wasn't good to keep uprootin' ya, and he finally listen'd to me. Now get some damn shoes on an' let's go, or you'll be late!"  
Dean sighed, exasperated, grabbed some shoes and shoved them onto his feet. He didn't want to go to this fuckin' school. He opened his bedroom door and saw Sammy right in front of him. He forced a smile on his face - he wanted to make sure Sammy was okay.  
"Hey, kid. You excited for your first day?" Dean asked, smiling at him.  
Sam gave him a toothy grin in return. He had recently lost his last two baby teeth, and now his adult teeth were finally growing back in.  
"I guess, Dean. Are we finally going to stay at this school for long? I just want to make some friends." Sam looked at his feet.  
"Hey, we're going to be here until we finish school. You're going to make plenty of friends, alright, kid?" Dean grinned at him. "Come on, Sam, let's go. Don't want you to be late!" 

Dean though this school would be pretty bad. Looking around, he can tell he really overestimated. He was ready for disappointment, and he was still disappointed. He walked in the main entrance to the school, after making sure Sammy got to where he needed to be and attempted to find the front office, to no avail. There were so many damn people everywhere, he thought. If they don't move out of the way I'm going to start swingin' fists. Eventually, he got to where he needed to go; he collected his timetable and school map. "Here you go, dear!" the receptionist said brightly, ignoring Dean's glum face, "If you could just wait here for a few minutes, we'll get someone straight down here to show you around!" she looked expectantly at Dean, and when he didn't respond with anything apart from his sullen glare, she sniffed and turned away. Dean snorted, and started pacing the small office, staring at the bright yellow and lime green patterned carpet. He started counting his steps - one, two, three, four, five, six...  
"Excuse me? I don't understand what you find so fascinating about this carpet. "  
Dean's head snapped up, ready to glare at the offender, when he met two of the most brilliant, brightest blue eyes he had ever seen. He felt his mouth open, slack-jawed... and he shut it quickly, still looking at the interrupter.  
Said interrupter stood there, uncomfortably staring at his feet, blushing. He was the same height as Dean, with messy, short brown hair and of course, those warm, piercing blue eyes.

"I'm very sorry to interrupt your pacing. My name is Castiel Novak, I've been told I have to help you find your way around until you know where you are going." Dean, still trying to gather his thoughts, stuttered, "Uh, yeah, hi. My name is Dean Winchester." 

Dean had managed to get through the day relatively well, following Cas around from lesson to lesson. It was lunch, and now Cas had led him to the cafeteria.  
"Would you like some food? I rarely go in there, it's far too loud and the students tend to act more like primates that humans. " Cas said, staring intently at Dean.  
"Uh, sure, if that's cool?" Dean asked, looking questionably at Cas.  
"That's fine. I'll find us a table whilst you get your food." Cas said calmly, walked into the cafeteria, and sat down at a table. Dean followed him in, but went over to one of the lines for food. He stood there for five minutes, and with each minute he got more frustrated as he saw stupid kids dickin' around and jumping in line. Finally, he had enough after a kid that didn't even reach his shoulder stood right in front of him. He tapped him on the shoulder.  
"Hey kid, there's a fuckin' line. Go to the back or I'll kick you there."  
Startled, the kid scuttled away, leaving Dean with a sense of satisfaction. He got to the front of the line, picked up a can of soda and paid for it. He joined Cas at the table in time to hear a guy yell, "CASTIEL NOVAK IS A HOMO!"  
Everyone in the cafeteria laughed. Dean turned to Cas to see him turn a brilliant red, but he kept the serene expression plastered onto his face.  
"Hey, Cas, you okay?" Dean questioned, concerned.  
"I'm fine, Dean. Can we leave?" Cas turned his gaze from the pastel yellow tabletop to Dean.  
Dean nodded, and they left. 

"Cas, come here a sec. Can I ask you something?"  
"Of course, Dean. What is it?"  
"Those guys in the cafeteria - why were they calling you that?"  
Cas sighed, and turned to Dean.  
"It's obvious, isn't it? I'm gay, Dean. For some reason they find that an acceptable reason to make my life a living hell."  
Dean wasn't sure how to process this news. He didn't care about sexuality, of course he didn't - hell, he didn't know yet if he was straight or gay or bi. What bothered him was, no matter how indifferently Cas said it, Dean saw a flash of pain in Cas' eyes, and that hurt him. Strange. "Uh, Cas - I don't really know how to make friends, but I think you're a cool guy. Do you want to hang out sometime?" Dean looked down at the table, not wanting to meet Cas' gaze. He felt nervous, embarrassed - he didn't know why - and that annoyed him.  
"I've never had a friend, " he heard Cas whisper seemingly to himself, "Of course, Dean. When would you like to hang out?" Dean looked up to see Cas, yet again, staring intently at him. It kinda weirded him out, but he liked it. He liked Cas.  
"Uh, you can come over today after school ends, if you want."  
"Sure."

A few hours earlier 

"Castiel Novak, go to the office. You have to welcome a new student."  
Cas shuffled to the office. He sighed. Usually the new students would look at him disdainfully and by the end of the day, they would have joined Crowley's group, already joining in with the "homo" chants. He walked down the hallway, students still talking to friends - the bell hadn't gone yet - and received the usual sneers and the whispered "queer" followed by raucous laughter at his expense. He reached the office, took a deep breath, readying himself for yet another student who looked at him like he was vermin and opened the door. A boy, presumably the new addition to the school, was pacing the length of the room and they nearly walked into each other. The boy looked up, away from the hideous green and yellow carpet, and stared into Cas' eyes.  
They took his breath away. His eyes were the deepest, most beautiful dark green he had ever seen.  
"I'm very sorry to interrupt your pacing. My name is Castiel Novak, I've been told I have to help you find your way around until you know where you are going." Cas tried to talk as calmly as possible, his head whirling at the sight of this boy. He was still glaring at him.  
'Great,' Cas thought. 'I've uttered one sentence and he already hates me.' He looked at his feet, blushing. Dammit, Cas, get it together.  
"Uh, yeah, hi. My name is Dean Winchester." the boy told him. Dean. What a nice name. He heard Dean stutter his words. Was he nervous? Did he like me?  
Cas stopped. No, of course he doesn't like me. A boy like him will fit right in with Crowley's crowd. When he finds out I'm gay he will be right up there with the others, shouting "FAG" into his face. Cas grabbed the edges of his sleeves and pulled them down over his hands. 

Cas managed to get through the day relatively easily. Dean stayed with him the whole time, although they didn't talk too much. Eventually, lunch time came - Cas was dreading it. Dean would probably want to get some food - but that meant going to into the cafeteria, which meant ridicule from Crowley. He couldn't risk Dean finding out - he was the closest he had come to a friend in a long, long time. Biting the bullet, he asked Dean, "Would you like some food? I rarely go in there, it's far too loud and the students tend to act more like primates than humans."  
Dean said yes. Taking a deep breath - for the second time today - he calmly walked into the cafeteria and sat down at a table. He watched Dean cross the room to join the line. Dean was walking towards his table when he heard Crowley shout and his stomach dropped to his feet.  
"CASTIEL NOVAK IS A HOMO!"  
He felt his body turn cold, but his face flooded with heat as he heard every single person in the cafeteria laugh at him. But he was determined not to let it show how much it hurt.  
"Hey Cas, you okay?" he vaguely heard Dean ask, staring at him with a concerned expression.  
"I'm fine, Dean. Can we leave?" he answered mechanically, fighting the tears prickling in his eyes. 

Cas and Dean were in the last lesson before the end of the day. Cas was still mortified about the events that happened at lunch, so he kept his head down and got on with his work. Not like his teacher noticed. He was too busy doing crossword puzzles to give a damn about his class. Apart from some quiet homophobic slurs from the extremely unintelligent beings in his class, and a few sniggers, he was largely left alone. From the other side of the room, Cas noticed Dean stand up and make his way over to him. 

"Cas, come here a sec. Can I ask you something?"  
Cas knew it. Dean was going to ask if he really was gay, he would tell him - he can't really lie - and Dean would look disgusted, call him a freak, and walk away.  
"Of course, Dean. What is it?"  
"Those guys in the cafeteria - why were they calling you that?"  
Cas sighed. He turned to Dean. 'Might as well,' He thought, 'He will find out anyway.'  
"It's obvious, isn't it? I'm gay, Dean. For some reason they find that an acceptable reason to make my life a living hell."  
Cas gulped. Here it comes - he could already hear Dean call him a fucking queer in his head. A flash of cold rushed over his skin at that thought. He really liked Dean; now even he would find him a freak.  
"Uh, Cas - I don't really know how to make friends, but I think you're a cool guy. Do you want to hang out sometime?"  
Cas was shocked. This wasnt what people usually said. Dean wanted to be his friend?  
"I've never had a friend, " Cas whispered to himself. Turning to Dean, he said, "Of course, Dean. When would you like to hang out?" Cas looked at him eagerly, with new found hope in his heart at this amazing boy with his bright green eyes.  
"Uh, you can come over today after school ends, if you want."  
"Sure."


	2. Chapter 2

He was nervous. What if Cas was really posh and he looked down at his family and his house? Fuck, he really hadn't thought this through. What would they do? He checked his watch - there was five minutes before the end of the day. Shit. He sat there, panicking, when the shrill screech of the bell pierced his thoughts. He gulped, picked up his bag, and turned around the see Cas standing right behind him. Like, right behind him. His face was mere inches from from Cas'; he restrained himself from reaching out and touching Castiel's cheek. Jesus, Dean, calm down - you've just met the guy. Don't get your hopes up.  
"Are we still going to your house, Dean?" Cas asked, a glimmer of happiness in his eyes. He smiled lopsidedly at Dean and he felt he knees go weak.  
"Uh - yeah. Yeah, definitely. Uh, my dad's friend is going to pick us up, so we're going to have to wait in the parking lot for a bit." Dean stammered, trying to recover from Cas' smile.  
"That's fine."

Cas and Dean were standing awkwardly in the parking lot. It was a cold day, so Dean stuffed his hands deep into his coat pockets. As the school slowly emptied, students poured into the parking lot, desperate to get home. As they passed, most just whispered and pointed. Dean held up his chin and ignored it, but stole a glance at Cas to make sure he was okay.  
"Cas, do you wanna wait somewhere else? I don't mind. To be honest, it's takin' all I got not to smash these kids faces in."  
Cas shook his head but said nothing.  
"Okay, man. I don't know what's taking Bobby so long..."

They waited in silence for another five minutes, when Dean heard whooping and laughing behind them. Assuming they were just leaving school late, he ignored them - until he felt a sharp shove in between his shoulder blades, and he nearly stumbled to the floor. Fixing an angry glare onto his face, he whipped around to see a group of guys, about their age, laughing at him. Looking over at Cas, Dean saw a terrified, rabbit-caught-in-the-headlights expression on his face.  
Dean straightened up.  
"What do you want?" he seethed, with all the anger he could muster.  
The guy at the front laughed.  
"Hello, boys. What's going on here? On a little date, are you?" he cackled.  
Dean puffed out his chest.  
"Hey, go fuck yourself, man. What's your problem with gay people? Daddy touch you when you were a kid?" Dean smirked.  
The guy's grin disappeared, and a dark look came onto his face. He stepped closer to Dean, and whispered, "You talk to me like that again, and you'll be beaten so hard, you will never be able to utter a single word again. Understand?" With that, he drew back his arm, hand clenched into a fist, and attempted to punch Dean in the face. Dean, anticipating a fight, ducked, and moved away.  
"That all you got?" he laughed.  
Dean had forgotten Cas was there until he felt a hand desperately clasp on his forearm.  
"Dean, stop. Don't have a fight with Crowley because of me, I just want to leave."  
Dean looked at Cas unbelievingly. He just wanted to leave? This guy, Crowley or whatever his stupid name was, has threatened them and made Cas' life hell and he wants to leave?  
Crowley laughed. "Go ahead, Dean. Don't get into a fight with your boyfriend because of me." Crowley spat on the floor at Dean's feet, then him and his gang left them alone.  
"Dean, I'm sorry you have been dragged into this mess. I fully understand if you no longer want to be seen with me." Cas apologised.  
Dean stared at him incredulously. Was he serious?  
"Cas, I have something to tell you. I'm bisexual, so when people pick on others because of their sexuality, it really pisses me off, okay? I won't let Crowley pick on you and I still want to be your friend."  
Cas stared intently into his eyes. It would have made Dean feel extremely uncomfortable, if it hadn't have been Cas - Dean was just really happy he had a chance to stare into Cas' beautiful, blue eyes.  
At some point, Bobby must have shown up, because Dean was pulled out of Cas' eyes by vigorous honking of a car horn and Bobby yelling, "Dean, ya idgit, hurry up and get in the damn truck!" 

"Uh, Bobby, this is Cas Novak. He's my friend. Cas, this is Bobby Singer. He's like a father to me." Dean introduced them.  
"Hey, Cas."  
"Hello, Mr. Singer."  
"Please, kid, you can call me Bobby." he smiled at Cas.  
"Uh - hello, Bobby." Cas smiled back uneasily.  
"Uh, also, this is my little brother, Sammy." Dean motioned towards Sam, who had been shyly sitting in the front seat, next to Bobby. "Hello, Cas." Sam mumbled nervously, turning around slightly to sneak a glance at him. Cas smiled earnestly. "Hello, Sam." Cas replied. Sam smiled at him before turning back around to face the front. "Dean, who were those other boys I saw walking away from you two? Are they your friends too?" Bobby asked.  
"Hell, no. Those guys are assholes." Dean responded.  
Bobby raised his eyebrow questioningly, but said nothing.  
The rest of the car journey was in silence. 

"So, uh, this is my room." Dean stood in the doorway, with Cas standing behind him. They entered the room and sat on the bed facing each other.  
"So... What do you want to do?" Dean asked nervously.  
"I don't mind, Dean. I'm just really glad I made a friend as great as you." Cas replied.  
Dean blushed.  
"Uh, Cas, this is pretty awkward, but can I ask you a question?"  
"Of course."  
"Have you ever done anything with a boy?" Dean asked, tripping over his words in a rush to get them out of his mouth. Cas looked mildly surprised.  
"Um, no. Not yet." he answered.  
Dean's palms were sweating. Could he really say..? No, of course he couldn't. Cas might not even like him. No. He wouldn't say anything.  
His mouth, however, appeared not to agree with his brain, and the words were tumbling out before he could realise what was happening.  
"Would you like to?"

Cas was shocked. Was this really happening? Was it a trick? Was Dean really on Crowley's side and this was simply a ploy to humiliate him? He looked at Dean. No, this was real. Dean's face was glowing red. Cas felt an odd feeling in the pit of his stomach when he realised that Dean was blushing because of him. Inexperienced as Cas was, he liked Dean; without thinking too much, he leaned closer towards Dean, eyes closed, and softly pressed his chapped, rough lips against Dean's.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All I have to say is I'm so, so sorry and that I am a bad person.

He felt a tingle rush through his lips to the to tips of his toes. He couldn't believe he was kissing Dean. Dean's lips were soft and pliable - Cas felt Dean's warm breath and he sighed into his mouth. It was perfect - everything Cas could have dreamed for. As they kissed each other, Cas' hands moved to Dean's chest, and Dean's hands clasped onto the short, dark brown hairs at the nape of Cas' neck. It was Dean who deepened the kiss first - he leaned forward further, opening his mouth, playfully nibbling on Cas' lower lip. Cas wasn't complaining. He continued kissing him, loving the urgency that Dean felt. 

Dean pushed Cas back onto the bed and straddled his waist. Cas started to feel a bit uncomfortable, but he didn't mind. He was still in euphoria - he couldn't believe that Dean liked him to this extent. He felt Dean start rutting against his crotch, and he tried to push him away. He didn't want to do that yet - even though it was Dean, he wasn't ready. Dean pulled away for a second, looking confused, then slightly angry. Dean smashed his lips back against Cas', but this time it was frantic, agressive; it was very different from before. Cas tried to push him away again, to get him to stop - but he wouldn't. Dean was far stronger than Cas - and he had the upper hand. Cas had no chance of getting out from underneath Dean. He felt Dean rocking his hips against he thigh again, and he shrank away, desperate to get as far as possible from Dean. What started out as a dream come true had quickly descended into a nightmare. 

"Dean, stop it!" Cas demanded, mustering all the anger he could. Dean ignored him, and started to unbuckle his belt. Cas froze in fear. Dean wasn't - he wouldn't - surely, he wouldn't do this to him? As he watched Dean undo his pants, he realised he only had a spilt second to get away before it was too late. Whilst Dean was preoccupied undoing his belt, Cas shoved him as hard as he could. Dean, taken off balance, crashed to the floor. Cas hurriedly got off Dean's bed, and ran to the door. He bolted down the stairs, said a quick "Thank you for having me." to a surprised and confused Bobby and ran out of the front door.  
When he got home, he realised he was crying. 

Dean sat on the floor, shocked, wondering how things had gotten out of hand so quickly. He pushed his fingers through his hair, held his head in his hands and groaned. Oh God, what had he done? He had tried to rape Cas, for fuck sake! What the fuck was wrong with him? He stood up, redid his belt buckle and somberly sat on his bed. The look of terror on Cas' face, and he was the one who put it there. Oh God, what have I done? What have I done? Cas must hate me now - hell, I hate me now. He just liked Cas so much - he thought he reciprocated his feelings. He got carried away. But Dean knew there was no amount of excuses that could ease up on the guilt. He was a despicable human being. He didn't deserve to live. 

Cas got in the shower. It was 10pm and Cas was still trying to forget what Dean had done. He was still in shock - why had Dean done that? Why did he have to ruin it? Cas shivered, so he turned up the heat of the water. The hot water felt good against his skin. He slowly came out of his shell-shocked stupor and as he realised how close he had come to being actually raped my Dean - his first real friend. His first real friend in years and he tried to rape him. His knees buckled underneath him, and Cas sobbed out all the pain and betrayal underneath the lukewarm streams of water.


	4. Chapter 4

A few days staggered past. Dean knew Cas was purposefully ignoring him. One day, at school, Dean decided he would try and approach him. He was terrified. He wanted to try and fix his friendship with Cas - but, hell, he hadn't just broken the friendship, he had smashed it to pieces. Dean felt numb. He was so happy to have met Cas - he had never felt that way about anyone before, male or female. He spotted Cas across the hall. No matter how badly he fucked up, he wanted to fix things with Cas. To be honest, Cas was the first real friend that Dean had ever had, too.   
Dean shuffled towards him. Cas had his headphones in and was staring intently at his feet. He had folded himself up into the corner of the hall, near what Dean knew was his locker. Dean could see people purposefully go out of their way to shove Cas against the wall. Cas appeared not to notice - or at least, pretended it didn't bother him - and continued staring at his feet as if they were the most fascinating objects he had ever seen. 

"Hey, Cas."  
Cas' head snapped up. A small flash of happiness lit up his blue eyes, before they were clouded by anguish.   
"What do you want, Dean." he said, in a monotonous voice.   
Dean gulped. Shit.   
"I - Uh, I know what I did was fucking stupid and I'm so damn sorry I can't even begin to explain. I just - I'm so, so fucking sorry, Cas. I love you."   
The words that tumbled out of Dean's mouth surprised him. Fuck, I wasn't supposed to say that. Shit. Dean looked at his feet. He couldn't bear to look at Cas anymore. It just reminded him of his fuck up. God, he hated himself. If he could go back in time, that would be the thing he would change. Cas stayed silent for a long time. The people around them dissipated as they made their way to first period. Eventually, it was just Dean and Cas in the hallway, standing silently.   
"How fucking dare you."  
Dean's head jolted up. He was confused - had Cas just said that? He had never heard Cas swear before - it sounded foreign in his voice.   
"Um - uh, what?" Dean stuttered, at a loss for words.   
"You heard me, Dean. You tried to rape me - and you have the audacity to tell me you love me?" Cas' voice sounded incredulous, thick with barely veiled anger.   
"Don't fucking talk to me, Dean. Stay the fuck away from me. I never want to speak to you again."

Cas was shocked at what he was saying. Of course, he was angry - so, so angry, he couldn't even describe - at Dean, but he didn't mean to say this. He regretted it as soon as he saw the distressed expression on Dean's face. However he saw it quickly turn to animosity.   
"You know what, Cas? Fuck you then. I tried to make it better. I wanted to fix this. I'm still so damn sorry for what I did to you, but how about you talk to me when you get your head out of your ass, okay?" Dean sneered.   
Cas couldn't believe what he was hearing. Dean had tried to rape him and now he was getting angry when Cas didn't just accept an apology?   
Cas felt the fury build up within him, making his heart pump faster; he felt adrenaline course through his body, making him feel electric. Cas balled his hand up into a fist, and drew his arm back, ready to punch Dean in his smug fucking mouth. Cas, however, underestimated Dean - he dodged out of the way and tightly grasped hold of Cas' wrist.   
Cas gasped in pain.   
"Let the fuck go!" he screeched.   
Dean was shocked by Cas' anguished reaction, but gripped even more tightly onto Cas' wrist.   
"What's wrong?" Dean asked. Cas could hear concern in Dean's voice, even though he attempted to mask it into indifference.   
"It doesn't matter. Just leave me alone."  
Dean stared at him, bewildered by Cas' reaction, when he finally understood, and the colour drained from his face.


	5. Chapter 5

He felt Dean try and yank up Cas' sleeve, without loosening his grip, and as much as Cas struggled, he couldn't get his arm away. He looked down at the floor in shame, waiting to hear Dean's disgusted reaction.   
He heard Dean suck in air between his teeth. His grip got gentler as he saw the extent of damage Cas had inflicted upon himself.   
"Oh, Cas... "   
"Don't, Dean." Cas whispered brokenly, "Just... Don't."   
"Are these... Are these because... Of me?" Dean muttered sadly.   
"Not all of them."  
Cas pulled his arm away and tenderly rolled down his sleeve.   
"Leave me alone, Dean." Cas whispered.   
With that, he turned sharply on his heel and walked out of the front entrance. 

Cas couldn't deal with any more school that day. He figured something like that would happen. He furiously wiped tears from his face as he walked home. He wrist still stung from where Dean had grabbed him. Stupid, stupid. Why had he reacted like such a baby? He could have held in the pain. Now Dean knew what Cas did. He had hid it for so long. What if he told someone at the school and Cas was forced to meet with the school therapist twice a week? What if Dean decided to tell everyone in their class? Cas could already hear the imaginative vocabulary his classmates would come up with.   
"Emo queer!"  
"Homo freak!"  
"Why don't you go cut yourself, fag!"  
Cas felt the tears threaten to spill over again. He was five minutes from home - he could hold in the tears until then. When he got home, he rushed upstairs, into the bathroom, and sobbed. 

Dean was shocked at the carnage littering Cas' forearm. It took him a few seconds to clear his head of the confusion before he realised what they were and how they got there.   
"Are these... Are these because...Of me?"  
"Not all of them."  
Dean understood immediately. Cas was broken - he was hurting - and Dean had simply made it worse for him. He should have tried to help him, to fix him. All he wanted was to wrap his arms around Cas, but after what he had done, he knew Cas wouldn't react well. So he stood there, dumb, helpless, as he watched Cas walk out of the school. As soon as he was gone, Dean leant against the wall - his legs unable to support himself - and sat on the floor. Head in hands, Dean sat there, allowing a couple of tears to escape, holding back the full extent of his pain. 

The next day, Dean sought to find Cas, but he couldn't find him. The entire morning, he was on edge, but he quickly found out that Cas wasn't in school. He spent the rest of the day in a depression, ignoring Crowley and his friends' teasing and taunting.   
"What's wrong, Winchester? Is your boyfriend not in today?" Crowley laughed.   
"Get the hell away from me." Dean replied. He was tired. He kept his face passive.   
"Ooh! Someone's moody today." Crowley quipped, looking over his shoulder at his friends, who were laughing hysterically.   
"Go away." Dean said again, voice passive. He wasn't going to give Crowley the satisfaction, although he seemed to be taking it anyway. Crowley opened his mouth, ready to hurl another insult at Dean, when Dean roughly grabbed Crowley's jacket collar and bunched the fabric into his fists. He pushed forward and shoved Crowley against the lockers.   
"Say another word to me about Cas and I will punch you in the face so hard your own mother won't be able to recognise you." Dean whispered into his ear, laying the anger in his voice thickly over the threat. Crowley backed down, smoothed down his collar and jumped back in with his friends. As he was walking down the corridor, he yelled,   
"HOMO!"  
The reaction was immediate. The heads of every student that had gathered to watch the 'fight' snapped towards Dean. He saw the cruel smirks spread throughout the crowd like a plague. He turned on his heel, hitched his backpack onto his shoulder and almost ran to his first class.   
He could hear the cries of the crowd, chanting "HOMO! HOMO!" even after he was gone. 

Dean kept his head down the rest of the day. He left his classes five minutes after everyone else, so the halls were empty, then ran to his next period. It was surprisingly efficient. However, he couldn't avoid anyone during lessons. He was in Math and all he could do was ignore the tittering and the occasional homophobic sneers. God, how did Cas manage to come to school every day? This was horrible. Dean felt a pang of guilt stab his heart. Oh, Cas. What had he done? How could he have done that to Cas? He would give anything to have Cas next to him right now - he would sling his arm over Cas' shoulder and he would give him that adorable lopsided grin. Dean would lean towards him and their lips would brush together-  
"MR WINCHESTER!"  
Dean was snapped out of his daydream by the teacher angrily glaring at him.   
"Are you back in the room?" he asked sarcastically. The class snickered.   
"He was daydreaming about his boyfriend, Sir!" some kid yelled from the back of the room. Dean rolled his eyes.   
"Dean, seeing as you weren't paying attention, why don't you do this equation? You should have done this in your previous school."  
Dean gulped. He hadn't been paying attention - and he hadn't been paying attention in his previous school, either. He was screwed. He stayed in his chair, nervously picking at his fingers.   
"Well? Mr Winchester?"  
"I - I don't know how to do it." he mumbled honestly.   
The teacher smirked.   
"Maybe you should be paying more attention in my class then, Dean. Class, turn to page 394 in your textbooks."  
Dean let out a sigh of relief. Thank God this day was nearly over. He didn't know how much more shit he could put up with.


	6. Chapter 6

The day after that, Cas still wasn't in school. Dean was distraught - why wasn't Cas in? Was it still because of him? Was it the other students? Dean was worried. He had never felt this way about someone before. It was hard to believe he had barely been at this school a week and already things had gone so badly. It was his fault, Dean told himself. Everywhere he went he just fucked things up. He truly hated himself sometimes. 

It was difficult getting through the following days. With Cas absent, Crowley encouraged every single person in the school to make Dean's life hell. He was disgusted - do people really have nothing better to do with their lives that to bully others for their sexuality? It was 2013, for Christ sake - why is this still an issue? Yet, the bullying never let up. Most people liked to join in with the verbal abuse, but a lot of them were too scared to follow up on it. Dean had quickly learnt that retaliation never worked, it simply made the situation worse. Dean shuffled along the halls to his classes like a machine. He was beaten down and - and broken. He was tired - each night he spent, restlessly worrying about something he couldn't control.   
It had been five days of Cas being absent when it happened. 

Dean had been about to leave the school when he was roughly tackled into an alcove and knocked onto the floor. Bewildered, Dean scrambled to his feet and locked eyes with Crowley. His stomach dropped to the floor. Oh hell, what did he want with me now?   
"Hey, Winchester. Haven't seen your boyfriend in a few days? Where's he been?" Crowley smirked.   
"He's not - " Dean's voice cracked. " He's not my boyfriend."  
"Uh oh, boys! Having some marital issues, are we?" Crowley barked with laughter. His friends parrotted him.   
"What do you want, Crowley." Dean said. He was tired; he rubbed his eyes and restrained from yawning. Suddenly, he felt two hands grab onto his shirt and he was shoved against the wall.   
"Listen here, kid. You piss me off. Now, you are going to pay the price."  
Dean was confused and looked at Crowley accordingly when he felt something hard connect with his temple and he was sent crashing to the ground, the entire left side of his face burning with white-hot pain. Dean was stunned into silence. His ears were ringing as he attempted to organise his thoughts. He vaguely heard Crowley sneered at him and he felt hands shove him back down onto the floor. He instinctively tried tried to back away, but being on the floor, it was pointless. Crowley spat on his face and kicked him in the stomach. The wind was knocked out of Dean - he choked and spluttered. He attempted to catch his breath, but to no avail. He was utterly stunned by this turn of events. Crowley must have gotten bored, because at some point, they all left. Dean didn't notice. He lay on the floor, miserable, until a teacher found him there. 

"Dean, what are you still doing here? Why are you on the floor?"  
Dean looked up. It was his Math teacher. This time, he looked concerned, instead of angry. Dean stumbled to his feet.   
"Uh, yeah, I'm fine. Nothing to worry about." he stuttered.   
The teacher didn't look convinced.   
"Do you want me to call your parents?"  
"NO." Dean's reply was instantaneous. "No, I'll be fine. I was just leaving." 

It had been two weeks and Dean was getting desperate. He had gone to school every single day, in spite of the verbal attacks and the more frequent attacks led by Crowley. But Cas had never shown up to school. Dean was beside himself. It's all my fault, he told himself. Every single day that Cas didn't show up, Dean felt more and more guilty. On a Thursday afternoon, Dean decided to skip his afternoon classes and stayed in the boys' bathroom. He looked in the mirror, supporting himself by leaning on the sink; the boy he saw staring back at him was unrecognisable. He had dark purple circles under his eyes. He could see lightly yellowing bruises on his temple and Dean knew he would see those, along with angry purple ones, littering his chest and stomach. His eyes were dull and lifeless. He felt worthless - he couldn't defend himself against Crowley. Hell, he couldn't defend himself against kids younger than him. Dean had given up long ago, and now walked down the hallways with the insults weighing down on his back. He felt a sudden stab of anger; how could he stand here feeling sorry for himself? He was pathetic. He pulled back his arm, hand balled into a fist and punched the mirror as hard as he could. The mirror shattered into little, broken shards - they glinted mockingly in the ugly yellow light. He had fucked up so badly. Barely a month he has been here, he had managed to make the entire school hate him and he drove away his only friend. 

The anger and hatred and depression swirled inside him. He sat down in a cubicle and thought. 'If Cas won't come to school, I will have to go to him.' Dean felt a sudden flash of hope. All he had to do was remember where Cas lived. He knew he had mentioned it once - back on Dean's first day. He would be dammed if he forgot it. He stood up, adrenaline pumping through his body. He left the cubicle and started pacing up and down. Shit, shit... What was it? East Road... Number 54? Number 45?  
"45." Dean whispered to himself. He quickly exited the bathroom and ran to the parking lot, where he got into his car (him and Bobby had spent ages fixing up the vintage 1967 Chevy Impala and as a gift, it was given to Dean) and drove and quickly as his car would allow to Cas' house.


	7. Chapter 7

Dean was sitting in his car outside of Cas' house. He had no way of knowing if he had remembered correctly until he knocked on the door. Currently, Dean was trying to muster up the courage to do so. He wanted to fix things with Cas. He wanted to hold him, he wanted to tell him he was sorry - he wanted to beg. He would do anything to make Cas forgive him. Opening the car door, he tried to walk toward the house as nonchalantly as he could. Reaching the oak panelled front door, he took in a deep breath and gingerly pressed down on the doorbell for 3/4 of a second. 

Dean didn't recognise the man who opened the door. He had light brown hair and golden eyes. "Can I help you?" the stranger drawled.   
"Um, I was just wondering - does anyone by the name of Castiel Novak live here?" Dean questioned tentatively.   
The stranger's face paled and he lost the slight smirk on his face. He looked like he had seen a ghost, Dean thought.   
"Why do you ask?" the stranger interrogated suspiciously, his voice tight.   
"Well, I'm his friend from school and he hasn't been in for weeks. I was worried about him and wondered if I could see him." Dean fidgetted. This wasn't good. Something was wrong with Cas.   
"I'm afraid if you want to see him you will have to go to the town cemetery."  
Dean's blood ran cold. No. Oh God, no.   
"Wha- Why? What happened to him? Why is he dead?" Dean asked hysterically.   
"He committed suicide twelve days ago. Before then, he refused to go into school. He didn't leave his room apart from going to the bathroom. One day we tried to talk to him, we walked in and he was dead. Hung himself from his light fitting."  
Dean felt like he had turned to stone. He couldn't comprehend what had happened. He nodded woodenly at the man, before turning around, starting to walk back to his car.   
"Hey, you aren't Dean by any chance, are you?" the stranger called after him.   
Dean stopped. "Yeah, that's me."   
"He left a note for you. Let me get it."  
Dean turned around and waited impatiently for the man to return. A minute later, he showed up at the door, a crumpled piece of lined paper in his hands.   
"Here you go. I'm sorry."

Twelve days earlier

Cas' hands were shaking. He had the length of rope in his hands and had made a perfect noose. Everything was ready. He couldn't go on with this anymore. What was the point - no one liked him. No one cared about him. He deserved to be loved, didn't he? He just wanted to be loved. With trembling hands, Cas pulled out two pieces of lined paper. On the first piece, he wrote:

"To my family, 

You never really cared about me. I know I never do anything right. I thought I would make it easier for you. You won't have to deal with me anymore. I love you all, even if you never loved me. I hope you remember that."

He folded that piece messily. On the other piece, he sat for a while. How would he begin this letter? With shaky fingers, he pressed the pen to the paper and wrote:

"To Dean, 

I never want to forgive you for what you did to me that night. But as I will no longer be alive soon, I must make peace with it. I truly liked you, Dean. I had hoped we would be able to be good friends, maybe even more. But now, now I realise I was just a silly lovestruck child. Happy endings don't happen in real life. At least, not for me. I want you to go and have your happy ending without me."

Cas folded up the letter and placed both on his bed. He pushed a chair underneath the noose and clambered up. Tugging the noose around his neck, he allowed tears to escape his eyes. This was it. In a few seconds he would be dead. Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath and kicked the chair out from underneath him.


End file.
